When I Can't Write, I Draw

When I first got into therapy, my docs figured out early on that I could hide a great deal in my writing. So, they took my journals from me and gave me instead a drawing pad and pencils. I was so incredibly frustrated not because I couldn't draw, but for the simple reason I didn't know how to mask my true feelings in a drawing.


But like any good patient I did my assignments and drew. My drawings have a certain quality to them that make them clearly mine. I continued to humor my therapists concerning their take on my situation (my "DIAGNOSIS"), until I found in my drawing a pad a picture that was undoubtedly mine, but I didn't remember drawing it. It also had a younger quality to it, very similar to my drawings in my early teens.


I was officially freaked out. Not to mention, extremely irritated with the smug arrogance of my care givers. I had always hated " I told you so " attitudes. Just because this big thing had occurred for me that I couldn't explain away didn't give them the right to gloat about their accuracy in diagnosing the new girl.


Soon I was drawing constantly. I think I was trying to practice enough to where I could control what came out in the therapeutic pieces. However, I had no such luck. Truthfully, it was probably the best way for me to truly discover for myself the validity of my pain and despair. I drew for a number of years fairly consistently. I actually had a showing at a local art gallery. Some of my pieces are in a rape crisis center, and a few counseling offices.


I don't draw nearly as often as I'd like and probably should but when I find my self unable to write, drawing always pulls the truth forth from within me. So, if journaling is difficult for you or you're having a hard time putting it into words; maybe you should try drawing, painting, sculpting, whatever creative way you can get it out. It worked for me and for some other friends I've made over the years. Survivor Art offers some of the most powerful glimpses into our world's reality. It isn't easy and rarely is it fun, but if done with a strong support system it can open up a whole in experience in dealing with your issues.

Trying Times And Times Of Trying

When I considered writing my own blog, it felt somehow narcissistic for me. I had read many blogs written by others and not felt that way about theirs but I seemed to hold it differently when it came to my own writing. Whether it would be the daily diary styling of TVs Doogie Houser or a safe place to vent the warrings of my soul, I couldn't decide, but I knew for certain that I wanted it to be real.

Ever since I can remember, I have been so guarded with my words whether spoken or written that it is difficult to communicate in complete sentences without fear of hurting someone else. So, I tend to stop and stammer quite a bit when I talk. It can be extremely frustrating for those trying to converse with me, as it is also for me to fully communicate with them. Writing is the easiest way for me to get it all out and control what is said.

Like many other survivors of childhood abuse, I have great difficulty saying all of what is so. Keeping secrets, telling half truths, and protecting those I love from the full truth and any possible responsibility has been my ultimate communication course. I learned my part so well that I actually became the keeper of the secret truths. Though the truth may set you free; it still can create intense pain in the process. So, in order to spare others pain I keep these truths from them.

In trying times, I usually avoid certain loved ones as much for their sake as for my own. Of course, some may simply see me as a coward, but after many failed attempts to help them understand, they just don't. There is little point including others in a reality they can't accept or deal with. Though, I wish it were different.

God alone knows how I have tried to break the cycle of deceit but time and again it has been turned on me. So, I love them from a distance and pray that God will help them see me through His eyes. Because He witnesses everything that occurs between his children and He knows the full truth and can be trusted not to hurt me with it. So once again in trying times, I'm practicing times of trying to be real and let Him sort it all out as He sees fit.