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There is one thing that can be considered a privilege of being a survivor. A survivor has the unique ability to be able to reach out to others and I say "I've been there". It is so easy for those who have not seen the evil face of abuse to say "Get Over It" because they truly cannot comprehend that level of betrayal and pain. And yet, one thing I know is true of most if not all survivors? though not one of them, would wish their experiences on ANYONE, their deepest desire is to be UNDERSTOOD.
Someone once used the Apostle Paul as an example of letting go of the past and getting on with the call upon my life as a believer. "If he can be forgiven his sins and leave them in the past, then so can you". Were those words used to connect my circumstances to that of the Author of much of the New Testament? Did the person trying to encourage me, realize that they were actually comparing a man guilty of heading the persecution of the early Christian church to one, who was more like one of his victims.
Even Cory Ten Boom, would have been a more appropriate comparison; when she forgave one of her former Nazi captors. That comparison would have left me empowered to do as Christ and eventually Paul did and forgive those who hurt me as an innocent helpless child. But, that is not the example I was given. Therefore, like many other survivors, I took. on the responsibility for my own suffering and every sin that came after with debilitating guilt and self-hatred.
The important take away here is, to always be cautious before you judge the behaviors of others and especially victims regardless of their specific form of trauma. Whether you are dealing with a survivor of multiple types of child abuse, a service member (Military or Civil) with PTSD, a former cult member, a victim of violent crime or rape you should attempt to understand before you make an uneducated presumption. This statement may seem a bit strong, possibly even harsh. However, it's coming from a survivor of a multitude of traumas due to the unfortunate result of generational traumatic bleed over. Many survivors end up with extensive vulnerabilities making them prone to seemingly reckless even self-destructive patterns in their post-trauma lives.
The greater sadness in this story, is that this common thread is also found in the children of survivors which inevitably creates a vicious cycle of trauma. For the survivor, this is an unforgivable sin. We have all at one time or another made that promise to ourselves of "I'll never treat my children the way I was treated." Then we have found ourselves doing those exact same things or saying the same exact words that cut us so deeply as children to our own kids. Queue the intense self-loathing and spiral of depression. I have never met an abuse survivor who didn't want to break the cycle of abuse. The only problem was none of us knew how.
One way is through extensive therapeutic treatment. But, more importantly, committing ourselves to the effort of learning new and positive coping skills. The next is to own our history and be willing to be the living example to others like us who have suffered the effects of trauma. Though being that vulnerable to others may seem like a daunting task, it is also the one choice, with the greatest potential for mutual benefit.
When I first was diagnosed with dissociative disorder, the clinicians were quick to say that is was not incurable. However, when I asked if they could introduce me to someone who had been "cured" their response was heartbreaking. There were books and websites that could enlighten me but not an actual person who could look me in the eye and say " I did it, you can too ". In the midst of that moment, I knew that I never wanted another survivor to feel the hopelessness their words had left me with. I had no real idea of what that meant at the time, but I knew I wanted to be that person to someone, even if it were for only one survivor it would be worth it.
At one point in my treatment, my therapist brought in a former patient to give me the hope of healing that I had so longed for. Meeting this woman, gave me evidence of healing and restoration that I had previously thought unattainable. If she had not been willing to be used as an actual physical representation of the ultimate goal, I might have chosen to give up on my quest. Thankfully, this precious young lady was not only willing to be vulnerable to me but has become a dear friend and encourager. A few years later, I was able to do the same for someone else. It was one of the most powerfully rewarding moments of my life. That experience has given my life is a purpose that I would have never imagined.
My ultimate encouragement to anyone reading this blog is to embrace the fact that all our experiences and suffering does not have to be meaningless. We, as survivors, have a distinct opportunity not only to overcome the effects of trauma but also reach back and lift others out of the deep quagmire of cyclical mental, emotional, spiritual and yes, even sexual and physical abuse. I hope you will join me and become the very inspiration you needed yourself, for someone else.
The important take away here is, to always be cautious before you judge the behaviors of others and especially victims regardless of their specific form of trauma. Whether you are dealing with a survivor of multiple types of child abuse, a service member (Military or Civil) with PTSD, a former cult member, a victim of violent crime or rape you should attempt to understand before you make an uneducated presumption. This statement may seem a bit strong, possibly even harsh. However, it's coming from a survivor of a multitude of traumas due to the unfortunate result of generational traumatic bleed over. Many survivors end up with extensive vulnerabilities making them prone to seemingly reckless even self-destructive patterns in their post-trauma lives.
The greater sadness in this story, is that this common thread is also found in the children of survivors which inevitably creates a vicious cycle of trauma. For the survivor, this is an unforgivable sin. We have all at one time or another made that promise to ourselves of "I'll never treat my children the way I was treated." Then we have found ourselves doing those exact same things or saying the same exact words that cut us so deeply as children to our own kids. Queue the intense self-loathing and spiral of depression. I have never met an abuse survivor who didn't want to break the cycle of abuse. The only problem was none of us knew how.
One way is through extensive therapeutic treatment. But, more importantly, committing ourselves to the effort of learning new and positive coping skills. The next is to own our history and be willing to be the living example to others like us who have suffered the effects of trauma. Though being that vulnerable to others may seem like a daunting task, it is also the one choice, with the greatest potential for mutual benefit.
When I first was diagnosed with dissociative disorder, the clinicians were quick to say that is was not incurable. However, when I asked if they could introduce me to someone who had been "cured" their response was heartbreaking. There were books and websites that could enlighten me but not an actual person who could look me in the eye and say " I did it, you can too ". In the midst of that moment, I knew that I never wanted another survivor to feel the hopelessness their words had left me with. I had no real idea of what that meant at the time, but I knew I wanted to be that person to someone, even if it were for only one survivor it would be worth it.
At one point in my treatment, my therapist brought in a former patient to give me the hope of healing that I had so longed for. Meeting this woman, gave me evidence of healing and restoration that I had previously thought unattainable. If she had not been willing to be used as an actual physical representation of the ultimate goal, I might have chosen to give up on my quest. Thankfully, this precious young lady was not only willing to be vulnerable to me but has become a dear friend and encourager. A few years later, I was able to do the same for someone else. It was one of the most powerfully rewarding moments of my life. That experience has given my life is a purpose that I would have never imagined.
My ultimate encouragement to anyone reading this blog is to embrace the fact that all our experiences and suffering does not have to be meaningless. We, as survivors, have a distinct opportunity not only to overcome the effects of trauma but also reach back and lift others out of the deep quagmire of cyclical mental, emotional, spiritual and yes, even sexual and physical abuse. I hope you will join me and become the very inspiration you needed yourself, for someone else.
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